OCD, Anxiety, Depression, and other reasons I am not an Astronaut: Part 4

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In no particular order:

I am venting

I hated school. Teachers were useless. I mean really useless. I still have a slight chip on my shoulder about teachers, even now. Which is silly I know but it is something I cant get passed. My fiancé has recently become friends with one through her gym and every time she talks about her I just know when I do eventually meet her I will instinctively lean back on my chair and want to use a ruler to flick stuff at her.

I also get irritated by people who say “school years were the best years of my life”. Get a grip. I put these people into the same category of people I dont fully trust, like the “I dont like star wars” types, or vegetarians (my future wife is a vegetarian which I haven’t fully come to terms with, I fear I never will). Or people who use the word “fun” to describe something, “hey cmon it’ll be fun” it never is, it just never is, and now because you have used the F word I will make it my mission not to enjoy it.

Since when did it all become Instagram, Trump and fucking Kardashians?

Why am I sat here writing all this bollocks?

Because I am 33 today and my wonderful soul mate and best friend tried her best to make me happy, as she always does, and I just couldn’t be, not even for one day, which would had have made her happy seeing me happy. I know she understands, but it is not fair, she shouldn’t be living with a shell of a man.

I am in a slump, I feel like a ton of bricks and I am very sad. I hate myself because I feel she is wasting her time on a lost cause. I know that sounds a bit pathetic or self pitying but that’s the truth. Through years of mental health problems I have pushed away friends and loved ones, not because I dont care for them but I just dont understand them and “it all”. I feel out of sync with everyone else.

I am angry at myself for falling apart, I am angry at this whole “its ok to not be ok” brigade, it should read “now social media has made it in vouge to have mental health problems so now we accept you” I didn’t need your acceptance then and I couldn’t care less if I have it now, the same people who would of once mocked me now accept it because it is on fucking Instagram etc. Piss off.

It is not ok to not to be ok. Life wont care if you are ok or not. So we have to fake it.

it is not ok for my fiancé me not being ok. I need and want to be ok for her, for us, because if I am not ok she will not be ok. So that is not ok.

It is not ok to make people feel they can speak about problems if the health services cannot accommodate them. May as well of stayed how it was.

And finally, I am not ok with not being ok. So stop telling me it is ok.

I have nothing else to say, I am just angry.

I am going to go to bed now, wake up, feel a bit silly and probably delete this post.

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “OCD, Anxiety, Depression, and other reasons I am not an Astronaut: Part 4

  1. So, you hit a triple as well. Yeah – I call bullshit on this supposed mental illness acceptance, especially, as you point out, acceptance hasn’t translated into affordable or accessible treatment. At 33 I was catatonic. At 44 I can get out of bed pretty reliably and usually find the day worth living. I’m still a pessimist with a low tolerance for social interaction. The black wave still washes over me. But I finally came across a med cocktail that made living and feeling pleasure possible. Life’s not exactly “fun”, but I’m fine with that because I prefer authentic to contrived. It’s a ferocious struggle but don’t give up on the possibility that it won’t always suck this bad. (Good lord, was that a pep talk? I have made progress.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your reply. Last night for some reason was just a bad one. Next week I will be fine and then ill drop again, it can be draining as you know I am sure. I will get there and appreciate you reading my post.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Abso-fucking-lutely. One of the biggest things that pisses me off right now is the whole “talk to someone/we’re here to help” bullshit promoted by the UK mental health advocates, when the truth is, the help just isn’t there and/or it’s not fit for purpose. But, err, sorry for hijacking your vent…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Self deprecation and self loathing is a situation isolated from being a bad poet or unsuccessful in the eyes of mainstream society. Your own self esteem is not associated with your literary talent or lack thereof, and certainly doesn’t explain why you’re not further along professionally or in economic status. To say so is to play a weak cop out card and highly avoid confronting more psychological issues.

    Liked by 1 person

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