I like my poetry like I like my boxing. Nothing held back.
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You may think you are cool, but you will never be Bob Dylan, wearing shades, smoking a cigarette and playing guitar cool.
I feel compelled to write a post focusing around the title of this post and similar posts before.
Firstly, the title itself is an attempt at irony and or humour. I am not a believer that a person should limit themselves to anything or blame their mental health problems on their place in the world. However, it can contribute to some deciding factors in a person’s life. For example, all I wanted to do from being a small lad all the way up to being a big lad, was be in the army, parachute regiment specifically, infantry. That was it for me, the start and the end game, “be the best” as they say. However, despite my high fitness levels and determination I failed the medical, why? because my medical records were reviewed and my various issues both historically and at the present time, were flagged. So, I was rejected. That just is what it is, fact. My mental health problems stopped me from doing what I wanted to do. I was fairly down about it afterwards, but now not so much, things happen for a reason, or they just happen. So hence the title, with my mental health problems if I said “I want to be Astronaut” would I really ever become one, no, of course not. I am fine with that, we all have our limits.
Society makes people believe on one hand we can be anything but on the other hand dishes out the reality with a slap of disappointment.
I am not bitter about not being able to pursue a military career because I tried my best, that is, I believe, the correct message to send out to the world, leave nothing in the tank (no pun intended) and give it your all.
At the end of the day you may not walk on the moon, but if you left it all on the track trying, then you achieved something by having the courage to try in the first place.
Thanks for reading.
“When your mind is in a dark place, it is difficult not to think in shadows”
- Charlie Hasler.
In no particular order:
I am venting
I hated school. Teachers were useless. I mean really useless. I still have a slight chip on my shoulder about teachers, even now. Which is silly I know but it is something I cant get passed. My fiancé has recently become friends with one through her gym and every time she talks about her I just know when I do eventually meet her I will instinctively lean back on my chair and want to use a ruler to flick stuff at her.
I also get irritated by people who say “school years were the best years of my life”. Get a grip. I put these people into the same category of people I dont fully trust, like the “I dont like star wars” types, or vegetarians (my future wife is a vegetarian which I haven’t fully come to terms with, I fear I never will). Or people who use the word “fun” to describe something, “hey cmon it’ll be fun” it never is, it just never is, and now because you have used the F word I will make it my mission not to enjoy it.
Since when did it all become Instagram, Trump and fucking Kardashians?
Why am I sat here writing all this bollocks?
Because I am 33 today and my wonderful soul mate and best friend tried her best to make me happy, as she always does, and I just couldn’t be, not even for one day, which would had have made her happy seeing me happy. I know she understands, but it is not fair, she shouldn’t be living with a shell of a man.
I am in a slump, I feel like a ton of bricks and I am very sad. I hate myself because I feel she is wasting her time on a lost cause. I know that sounds a bit pathetic or self pitying but that’s the truth. Through years of mental health problems I have pushed away friends and loved ones, not because I dont care for them but I just dont understand them and “it all”. I feel out of sync with everyone else.
I am angry at myself for falling apart, I am angry at this whole “its ok to not be ok” brigade, it should read “now social media has made it in vouge to have mental health problems so now we accept you” I didn’t need your acceptance then and I couldn’t care less if I have it now, the same people who would of once mocked me now accept it because it is on fucking Instagram etc. Piss off.
It is not ok to not to be ok. Life wont care if you are ok or not. So we have to fake it.
it is not ok for my fiancé me not being ok. I need and want to be ok for her, for us, because if I am not ok she will not be ok. So that is not ok.
It is not ok to make people feel they can speak about problems if the health services cannot accommodate them. May as well of stayed how it was.
And finally, I am not ok with not being ok. So stop telling me it is ok.
I have nothing else to say, I am just angry.
I am going to go to bed now, wake up, feel a bit silly and probably delete this post.