Never in such connection,
Have we all felt so alone,
Eyes fixed locked,
To our forever scrolling phone.
I remember we had friends once,
Of flesh, blood and bone,
Souls of which we connected,
Now mainly through our phone.
A letter had a smell,
A meaning on the page,
The curls of the words whispered,
Now silent, from a bygone age.
I miss the meaning of mattering,
Even if I didn’t matter at all,
I felt I had purpose,
Before this empty social drawl.
My friend he is around the corner,
But feels a million miles away,
He likes my posts sometimes,
How I hope to see him again someday.
We like the world over,
No seas or miles matter,
But we are all so alone,
Despite this social media clatter.
Maybe it is a good thing,
Who really knows?
But what about the negatives,
Do they outweigh the pros?
And yet here I sit,
The irony is not lost,
Searching for my meaning,
When all meaning feels so lost.
Copyright © 2018 Charlie Hasler.
I feel compelled to write a post focusing around the title of this post and similar posts before.
Firstly, the title itself is an attempt at irony and or humour. I am not a believer that a person should limit themselves to anything or blame their mental health problems on their place in the world. However, it can contribute to some deciding factors in a person’s life. For example, all I wanted to do from being a small lad all the way up to being a big lad, was be in the army, parachute regiment specifically, infantry. That was it for me, the start and the end game, “be the best” as they say. However, despite my high fitness levels and determination I failed the medical, why? because my medical records were reviewed and my various issues both historically and at the present time, were flagged. So, I was rejected. That just is what it is, fact. My mental health problems stopped me from doing what I wanted to do. I was fairly down about it afterwards, but now not so much, things happen for a reason, or they just happen. So hence the title, with my mental health problems if I said “I want to be Astronaut” would I really ever become one, no, of course not. I am fine with that, we all have our limits.
Society makes people believe on one hand we can be anything but on the other hand dishes out the reality with a slap of disappointment.
I am not bitter about not being able to pursue a military career because I tried my best, that is, I believe, the correct message to send out to the world, leave nothing in the tank (no pun intended) and give it your all.
At the end of the day you may not walk on the moon, but if you left it all on the track trying, then you achieved something by having the courage to try in the first place.
Thanks for reading.
In no particular order:
I am venting
I hated school. Teachers were useless. I mean really useless. I still have a slight chip on my shoulder about teachers, even now. Which is silly I know but it is something I cant get passed. My fiancé has recently become friends with one through her gym and every time she talks about her I just know when I do eventually meet her I will instinctively lean back on my chair and want to use a ruler to flick stuff at her.
I also get irritated by people who say “school years were the best years of my life”. Get a grip. I put these people into the same category of people I dont fully trust, like the “I dont like star wars” types, or vegetarians (my future wife is a vegetarian which I haven’t fully come to terms with, I fear I never will). Or people who use the word “fun” to describe something, “hey cmon it’ll be fun” it never is, it just never is, and now because you have used the F word I will make it my mission not to enjoy it.
Since when did it all become Instagram, Trump and fucking Kardashians?
Why am I sat here writing all this bollocks?
Because I am 33 today and my wonderful soul mate and best friend tried her best to make me happy, as she always does, and I just couldn’t be, not even for one day, which would had have made her happy seeing me happy. I know she understands, but it is not fair, she shouldn’t be living with a shell of a man.
I am in a slump, I feel like a ton of bricks and I am very sad. I hate myself because I feel she is wasting her time on a lost cause. I know that sounds a bit pathetic or self pitying but that’s the truth. Through years of mental health problems I have pushed away friends and loved ones, not because I dont care for them but I just dont understand them and “it all”. I feel out of sync with everyone else.
I am angry at myself for falling apart, I am angry at this whole “its ok to not be ok” brigade, it should read “now social media has made it in vouge to have mental health problems so now we accept you” I didn’t need your acceptance then and I couldn’t care less if I have it now, the same people who would of once mocked me now accept it because it is on fucking Instagram etc. Piss off.
It is not ok to not to be ok. Life wont care if you are ok or not. So we have to fake it.
it is not ok for my fiancé me not being ok. I need and want to be ok for her, for us, because if I am not ok she will not be ok. So that is not ok.
It is not ok to make people feel they can speak about problems if the health services cannot accommodate them. May as well of stayed how it was.
And finally, I am not ok with not being ok. So stop telling me it is ok.
I have nothing else to say, I am just angry.
I am going to go to bed now, wake up, feel a bit silly and probably delete this post.
Fear not the chill of Sundays Monday sorrow,
Or how Saturday once felt,
As Friday’s yesterday,
Fear not the ones who set the clocks,
Hold high the whips,
Or command the time,
For breaking rocks.
Nor the uncharted different planes,
Where wild eyed dreamers’ dream,
Of a woken tomorrow,
Free of pain, free sorrow.
And in your moment of now not memory then,
Do not wait for the someone, do not wait for the them,
You are your now,
You were your then.
Copyright © 2018 Charlie Hasler.
My second book of poems is available at Amazon on Kindle and paperback. Give it a go! ps the ugly mug on the front cover is me.
Following on from the first book, Further Thoughts is one man’s view of the world around him. It is a candid expression of the trials that come with battling mental health demons, the exhaustion that comes with the search and pursuit of happiness and the inner peace that is achieved once finding it.
Selection of Amazon links below:
USA – https://amzn.to/2nFod0U
India – https://amzn.to/2vGD7Iq
Australia – https://amzn.to/2MehUQy
Canada – https://amzn.to/2w97vKX
In no particular order:
I remember at a young age my need for routine was ingrained, part of my fibre and core. My Mum tells me she recalls an incident at pre school where my classroom had been moved to a different part of the school and I completely flipped. In a way I am still the same now.
Today for example, my fiancé moved a shoe rack and put it under the stairs instead of downstairs in its home, where it lived and by being downstairs kept the universe in perfect sync. Ok, I didn’t flip out, but I was very concerned for a good half an hour. ‘What if I can’t access my shoes as easy as I could before?’ and other questions of a similar nature circulated my mind until the next thing to be concerned about came into play.
I think that’s how mental health issues can be, in my case I am fuelled by anxiety, which stokes the flames of my OCD which once burnt out makes me depressed, and I am left as just some pile of smoking ash, just about warm but nearly dead (cheery).
I need to get back into my training properly, I enjoyed boxing, I enjoyed running, and I enjoyed the gym. But that is what mental health problems do, take away what you love. I feel in some senses I am still a bit broken, a bit beaten. Since my breakdown in 2017 I feel like a veil has been lifted and I see through different eyes but at the same time the ball and chain weighs just as heavy. I am just very tired all the time. I need to admit the problem is still there and not see it as failure.
(image sourced from Google)
I stood aloft the mountain, clouds in reach my mortal hand,
Aloft I stood the mountain,
Below lays a choired land.
Below the rolling valley, her blanket sailed in grass,
A place where all time stands,
Held perfect in gentle clasp.
A perfect moment that will stay, forever it shall last,
Once stood my prayers present,
Now sits my heavenly past.
Standing I stood where many a mortal did stand,
Below sits choired valleys,
That hymn this miners land.
No need to open my eyes, no need to awaken from dream,
This land laid out in front of me is real,
As many sleeping eyes have dreamed.
Copyright © 2018 Charlie Hasler.
So now it is 2018 and the worst of all of the above is behind me. I am still not an Astronaut, but I feel that the more mental the world around me turns the less mental I feel.
Gone are the days when I felt a great deal of irritation around this whole “mental health awareness” thing, I felt very annoyed when I saw slogans like “its ok not to be ok” no, you mean “society and Instagram have determined through a series of hollow quotes that now it is ok for everyone else to be ok with your mental health problems”. The stigma is still there though, I remember when I used to wrap my hands with plasters in front of the full view of people I work with because I washed my hands so much they cracked and bled. In some cases, that was met with strange looks. I am not surprised, it was mental. But, I felt like saying “this is what my mental health problems are, it’s not all pictures of sunsets or someone doing push ups and being triumphant with a dreadful hollow quote underneath which are mainly always posted on Instagram on a Sunday when everyone is bored or hung over and all of a sudden feels deep” ….or something along those lines. People who don’t understand mental health I think on the whole have limits to their acceptance and accept it when it is not in their line of sight. I may be being unfair but it stirs passion in me. Mental health is very fashionable these days, or the idea of acceptance surrounding it is. If it helps people then fine but I find some of it a bit hollow. I am probably bitter because when I was growing up mental health was a dirty secret and then all of a sudden someone printed an article in vogue or something and everyone now is very much “let’s have a chat about it” ever since. (I have just noticed how I started this paragraph Gone are the days when I felt a great deal of irritation…..in fact no, those days are not gone. It still grinds my gears. Moving on.
I am still not perfect. I have a resigned feeling that I never will be. I am still pretty selfish and impatient. I don’t tell my fiancé I love her enough, nor do I take much interest in what she has to say sometimes when I am tired or too wrapped up in myself. But, I am working on it. I am work in progress to my core, like many others, I will get there, wherever there is?
I need to get fit again, for my mind mainly. I would be lying if I said being fit wasn’t a great feeling. At the moment aesthetically, I feel like a crap version of myself 5 years ago.
Still writing the poetry in the background, second book coming out soon April / May. Looking forward to Spring to get back out in the garden. I am very rock n roll like that and it is the high adrenaline rush I get when gardening that keeps me coming back for more.
That’s it for now.