OCD, Anxiety, Depression, and other reasons I am not an Astronaut: Part III

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In no particular order:

I remember at a young age my need for routine was ingrained, part of my fibre and core. My Mum tells me she recalls an incident at pre school where my classroom had been moved to a different part of the school and I completely flipped. In a way I am still the same now.

Today for example, my fiancé moved a shoe rack and put it under the stairs instead of downstairs in its home, where it lived and by being downstairs kept the universe in perfect sync. Ok, I didn’t flip out, but I was very concerned for a good half an hour. ‘What if I can’t access my shoes as easy as I could before?’ and other questions of a similar nature circulated my mind until the next thing to be concerned about came into play.

I think that’s how mental health issues can be, in my case I am fuelled by anxiety, which stokes the flames of my OCD which once burnt out makes me depressed, and I am left as just some pile of smoking ash, just about warm but nearly dead (cheery).

I need to get back into my training properly, I enjoyed boxing, I enjoyed running, and I enjoyed the gym. But that is what mental health problems do, take away what you love. I feel in some senses I am still a bit broken, a bit beaten. Since my breakdown in 2017 I feel like a veil has been lifted and I see through different eyes but at the same time the ball and chain weighs just as heavy. I am just very tired all the time.  I need to admit the problem is still there and not see it as failure.

 

(image sourced from Google)

 

Back To One

Return the bull of charge and stamp,

Crashes the china, turn down the lamp.

Close the shop, pull down the shutters,

Back to the grey, the flooding black gutters,

Sledging,

My hammer comes falling down.

 

With a hammered crash the birds flee from top and wing stop rest,

Flee from hanging branch, from sea view nest,

Set beyond the green lands of new, fly to skies of calmer blue.

The animals startle, the horses back hooves punch and dance,

Back to the rack,

The dead eyed trance.

 

Back to the brink, the endless track,

Pause the clapping, the patting of back,

Back to the worry and waiting room walls,

The silent smiles, announcement calls.

The same record scratches the needle to nub,

And spinning, it waits to be turned.

 

Myself be picked up and set back to one,

That time has passed, the moment has gone.

All starts again, this race to be won,

Cranking starter, rusty gun,

Hammers pound the flattened earth,

And so, this beat goes on.

 

 

Copyright © 2017 Charlie Hasler.

 

 

 

Burn On My Friend, Burn On!

Burn your internal light,

Use its warmth, its guiding light

 

Burn that flame, flaming bright,

Burn worries soul, her lingering plight

 

Burn the flame in you whole,

Burn into your unconquerable soul

 

Burn the moon and the stars,

Burn your worries, your memories scars

 

Burn the pain and the plight,

Keep that match burning bright

 

And in the dark of coldest night

Watch your demons cower and flight,

For you have fire in your eyes

Watch your fire burn and rise.

 

Burn on my friend, burn on.

 

 

Copyright © 2017 Charlie Hasler.

Somewhere In Between

Somewhere in between

half way across swollen stream

half awake from happy dream

I walk the way

in between.

Dragging feet

solemn stands

holding soul

heart in hand.

Stumbling across

uneven pavement

uneven land

sinking deeper

into sand.

I’m nearly there

some day’s worse

return the spell

a mind cursed.

The drop greater

than any low

happiness a brief

passing show.

I walk along

in between

my happy time

rarely seen.

As soon as it is there

it is gone

leaving this haunted man

to wander on.

 

 

Copyright © 2017 Charlie Hasler.

Black Dog Returning

He is on the return

this black dog day

from distant shores

once far away.

I have had my hit

of positive feelings

now back to empty eyes

empty feelings.

Just a few more hours is all I ask

no more fetching

of depressions mask.

 

 

Copyright © 2017 Charlie Hasler.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good Feeling

Remain with me on this good day
 
don’t let me down nor go away.
 
Keep fear at bay
 
save it for another day.
 
For now let me smile on this happy day.
 
Tomorrow is then
 
today is now
 
leave me free
 
unburdened
 
by sorrows scowl.
Copyright © 2017 Charlie Hasler.

Fears Coming

It’s not here yet

there is no regret

that emotion

hasn’t come to me

yet.

Hindsight

playing its game

all aboard

my memory

train.

It’s way off for now

a distant cloud

a dark blanket

a tears

shroud.

In the distance may it remain

the sad times

on some distant

far away

plain.

Happy to be calm

a wonderous charm

guide my mind

away from all

harm.

 

 

Copyright © 2017 Charlie Hasler.

My breakdown and some other things that followed. Part One.

Part One: Hindsight.

I had a breakdown in November 2016, it started in work, brought on by acute anxiety and OCD, depression came after.

When I think back it wasn’t quite as epic as I would of liked it to have been. If I could do it all again I certainly would of taken my trousers off in the office, instead of just sitting in one of the meeting rooms crying and looking haunted. Taking of my trousers would have gained me some extra leave from work. That`s the thing with hindsight, you always get the good ideas after the event. Never mind.

Since that time I have started writing a bit. I do enjoy it and I find it does help, if anything its a distraction from worrying about completely mental things that no one else worries about. I enjoy writing poetry mainly, or at least try my best at it.

The other night my partner came home after a full day in work, bags of shopping in both hands,keys in mouth and I said “Hi hun, I have written a poem called Bleeding Hands (sounds easy going listening dosent it), ill read it you” she hadn’t even put down the bags and I was already going on about possibly the most depressing dark sounding poems imaginable. I was like Gollum, crawling out of the shadows, “hheeelllooo my precious, would you like to hear our poem, weez hopez you likesss it??”

to be continued…….

Mind Kite

Mind Kite

please slow your flight

these winds are too strong

in the dead of this night.

Please ease this chaotic flight

my troubled mind kite.

 

Mind kite

head for some calmer clouds

where float be your pace and glide your grace.

Please slow down my troubled mind kite

please slow this treacherous flight.

 

Mind Kite

the string is breaking in this storm

please come down

im losing site

of my frantic mind kite.

 

Mind kite

please slow your flight

my arms are failing me now

and sweat does pour from my solemn brow.

 

Mind kite

hear my cry

anymore of this pulling

and my soul will surely die.

 

 

Copyright © 2017 Charlie Hasler.

Road To Mend

Im on the road to mend

perhaps its just around the corner or past that unshapely bend.

Over the hill

past that snow

a little to the left

over there

just so.

Past that tree

across that lock

that`s the place where minds go to dock.

Im face-down in the dust

so lost

on this road guarded by a mind cyclopes.

One track vision is all I see

like the cyclopes and fear

together we make three.

So many mirages

where is it all from.

My feet are heavy.

But its ok.

I am sure ill eventually find my way.

 

 

Copyright © 2017 Charlie Hasler.